This past weekend was the 3rd annual Free Press Summer Festival in Houston. In honor of a fantastic weekend spent getting pummeled by the Texas sun and seeing some great bands, I present you with the top 10 kinds of people you'll run into at every music festival this year.
10. Girls in bikinis. Whether it's just a bikini top and extremely short shorts or they've committed fully to swimwear ensemble, you'll always see girls running around in the hot, hot sun with barely anything on.
9. White guy with the Native American headdress on. Oh, you think it's fun to dance around with feathers and facepaint on? Is it cool if Native Americans put on boat shoes and steal your land while goofing on your cultural heritage?
8. Body glitter. Always with the body glitter. Are you really a stripper, ma'am, or do you just like shopping at stripper stores?
7. Someone throwing up. Maybe they drank too much. Maybe they didn't stay hydrated. Either way, they're hunched over somewhere vomiting their guts out while a group of friends stand around acting concerned from just outside the splash zone.
6. People with things hanging from poles. I don't think they're leading a tour group. They just want to make sure the band sees them carrying their favorite pikachu doll dressed up as a leather daddy.
5. Old guy and a much younger woman with fake boobs. A subtype of the girls in bikinis, this woman always displays her obviously fake boobs in tiny top. Her boobs brought them together, either because he paid for them or they caught his eye at Hooters / the local strip club. She's there to prove she's still young, sexy, and fun despite her significant other by pulling the eyes of young guys; he's there to make sure no one else handles his investment's portfolio.
4. A really old guy watching the hardest bands there. Who the hell is this guy? He always seems to be at the festival alone. I suspect he's secretly one of the hardest anarchist punks around and he and the band have plans to do some wicked shit later that night.
3. Guy in a speedo or cross-dressing. You're so transgressive, just like every other guy here wearing a speedo or a bra on a lark. Or maybe you're just jealous of how those bikini girls don't seem to be sweating profusely. Sorry, I meant glistening profusely.
2. White guy with a Mexican flag cape. Almost everybody sees this guy and thinks "what a jackass." And then there's that one guy who thinks it looks cool and comes next year with a Mexican flag around his neck. And so turns the wheel of jackassery.
1. Frat boys and douchebags. So, so many frat boys and douchebags. Where there is alcohol and the opportunity to ruin a good time, they'll be there. Is it part of the pledge or something? They always turn up in droves. I guess that's what joining a frat is all about.