Local Area Man Asked to For Comment About Local Area Man
Wednesday night reporters from 30 Days of Write were dispatched to the far ends of the internet in search of a story with the dry wit and sardonic prose of the Onion. Most failed to return from assignment due to breaking updates from a man claiming to drop a deuce after finishing the whole Bloomin' Onion at Outback, exchanging Passover jokes via email (Jesus was just hanging around and had nothing better to do than exchange a few yucks with the staff), or stalking their one true love from high school via Facebook (she really loves me, she just doesn't even know I am yet). Apparently there is also a lot of free porn out there as many chronic mastubators employed by 30DW quickly discovered. On the plus side, recent surging demand for alcohol-free lotion and Kleenex has boosted sales at local retailers.
When asked for comment, a local area man said, "Oh, this is one of them damn meta-jokes you ritalin-addled, post-toasty assholes are so fond of, huh? Well it's not very fucking funny. You think just because half the stories on the Onion are about a 'local area man' doing something to annoy his friends that if you openly comment about that beaten-to-death trope, that it somehow constitutes a joke? Well, mister, I got news for you. Back in my day, a joke needed a punchline or at least a pink monkey puppet thing periodically shouting 'Zoom!' after ribbing members of the audience. Now you dumbasses have your 'irony' and your 'deadpan' and you think you're hot shit. Screw you, Conan O'Lamebrain! Jack Paar will always be the best host of the Tonigh Show. Ever."
The man then proceeded to rip off his clothes and shout "Owls are assholes!" as he ran down South Congress Avenue.
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